How to Deal with a Mean Cat

So you have a mean cat. What are you going to do about it? Get rid of it?
Send it to Cat Reform School? What can you do? Here are some helpful advice to take care of your mean kittie.

First, you must recognize the symptoms of a mean cat. Let's see, Fang scratches your drapes, your sofa, your wig, your skin, your fine tablecloth. Yep, he's mean alright. Also, Fang loves to bite. He'll bite you on the hand, on your arm, and even on your neck. You just got to love your evil, menacing cat.

Now what can you do to cure Fang of his meanness. I suggest a two handed approach. Of course, that is providing that Fang has still let you keep one of your hands. First, kill Fang with kindness. Give in to Fang's every whims and needs. Let Fang eat everything in the house. Perhaps he'll gain so much weight that it will slow him down. Also, Fang just might be grateful enough to give you a break from his nastiness at least for one day out of the year.

Now if this doesn't work, go to plan B. Take Fang to a Cat's Psychiatrist. The best one in town is named Dr. Scratcheart. Let the good doctor talk to Fang and sort out all of Fang's problems and concerns. Dr. Scratcheart might recommend that Fang take some medication. He might also suggest that you take a long and permanent vacation away from your terrorizing bundle of destruction. After, several sessions, and visits to the emergency room, you'll rid Fang of his meanness.

If for some reason, plan A and plan B fail, go to plan C. Purchase a one-way ticket for Fang to go to Siberia. I can guarantee that this will chill Fang's hostile behavior forever. From this point on, Fang will be seen as the coolest cat in town.