Madeleine McCann and How to Be a Successful Kidnapper

For the teenagers who thought it was difficult in being accepted by their peers and passing media scrutiny in what's acceptable on the outside- try being a less-than-beautiful kidnapping victim.

Madeleine McCann

The race is on to find Madeleine McCann. The little girl, who was kidnapped on May 3, 2007 while with her family in Portugal, would have celebrated her fourth birthday on May 12. 

Gosh, isn't she precious? Just look at those eyes. Who couldn't love this child?

It's a good thing she wasn't fat- because then, well.... then she'd be just another victim.

Alyssa Ann Frazier

Alyssa Ann Frazier has been missing since Mar 26, 2007. If she's still alive, she'll turn 13 on May 19. She's a normal, little white girl from Paris, Texas. Unfortunately, she's a bit chunky and therefore hasn't received nearly as much attention from the media. After all, she's not giving them the "awe" factor they require to kick-start proper national exploitation.

With only seven weeks into her disappearance, a Google News search yields only ten results. What's even more disheartening is that these results are little more than an Amber Alert.

Madeleine McCann, however, has secured over 2,784 results. Every angle of her disappearance has been written about- how it happened, what her parent's say, who's donating reward money and who's holding out hope.

Have the Olsen Twins signed on to portray her in a made-for-tv movie yet?

Lucia and SaRiyah Guillen

Sixteen-year-old Lucia Guillen and her seven-month-old brother SaRiyah have been missing since February 25, 2007 from Manheim, PA. Photos of both children are less than flattering. SaRiyah's hair is all over the place and looks almost fake. As he stares off to the right, a milky drool prepares to stain his Bugs Bunny one-zee.

A Google News search netting zero results.

The Rewards

With the exception of those provided by tips lines and such, a specific reward for finding Lucia and SaRiyah Guillen seem almost non-existent. However, millions have been pledged towards the successful recovery of Madeleine McCann.

Did I mention how cute she is?