Pastoral References Part I: How to Run a Church into the Ground

As a pastor, you may be wondering just exactly what mistakes you can make in order to prevent growth in your church. You don't want people actually enjoying their church experience or liking you, so what is a pastor to do? Well, sit back, relax, and enjoy this tutorial on exactly what you should do in order to ensure that your church is shut down within the next six months.

First, you will need to absolutely refuse to delegate any responsibilities to anyone outside of your own family. After all, how could anyone ever grow tired of hearing only you and your opinions all the time? You will preach to the adults on Sundays, have your wife lead the worship service, have your daughter run the nursery, and you and your oldest children will divide Sunday school responsibilities according to age group and gender. During mid-week services, make sure that no one teaches any Bible studies other than yourself and your wife. Also, you must be sure not to allow any outsides speakers, evangelists, missionaries, or musicians into your church at any time. You wouldn't want anyone liking them better than they like you, would you?