My First Kiss Taught Me Nothing About How to Kiss

My first kiss happened in a church bathroom. That may explain why I have tons of bad luck to this day, but I digress.

My best friend and I had gone to the church for youth choir practice and we had beforehand, made arrangements with some teen boys to meet there early. Two teens came. They were poster boys for what's hot and what's not. According to our minimally developed tastes in men, one was fine and was "fugly". For those of you who are not as hip as my daughter's are, it means "butt-ugly." We both ogled the good looking one and dreamed about how we would kiss him. We had never French-kissed anyone before and we were both excited.

Both sexes stared at each other for awhile and then the good-looking boy made a beeline for my friend. She blushed shyly and walked with him into another room. That left me alone with - you guessed it. The ugly one. I refused to stand there staring at him, so I turned around and walked into the girl's bathroom. To my dismay, he followed me!

The bathroom had a rather large and long counter right in front of the mirror, so I lifted myself to the counter and sat there looking at myself in the mirror. I could see him watching me and I saw him bringing his grotesque face closer and closer to mine. Before I could say aye or nay, he plopped his huge lips right on my lips and began to eat my face.

Yes, eat my face. As inexperienced as I was, I knew that was not how someone should kiss. One moment, my face was dry, and the next moment it was covered with saliva right up to my nose and underneath my eyes. I was so disgusted, which was quite obvious by my reflection in the mirror. I finally had the wherewithal to push him away and he walked away, obviously a little embarrassed.

If I did not have the heart of a lion, I would have thrown up right in the bathroom. Instead, I began to seethe. I though I would finally learn how to kiss and instead I ended up with a wet face. I washed my face in the mirror, gargled a little bit, fixed my hair and mustered up what dignity I could. I then went in search of my friend who was really learning how to kiss.