Adoption and the Conspicuous Family: Several Things You Should Consider

Did You Just Ask Me That?!

In our adoption process we were required to do several online education sessions regarding the aspects of adoption. An important session was regarding what life was like to be a conspicuous (distinctly obvious) family. As we read the scenarios and meandered through the exercises we believed that this was good information, however it probably was overstated. Not so. This was one of those situations where unless one is head first into it, one just can not understand the gravity of the condition. A conspicuous family is one that stands out in a crowd. A blond haired family with a Chinese daughter or perhaps a brown haired family with an Ethiopian son. One family member is distinctly different than the rest.

Our soon-to-be three year old daughter is adopted from Hunan, China, and though our entire family has dark hair and brown eyes we still receive numerous questions and comments when out in public. To clear up the family dynamics let me explain that my husband and I also have two teenage biological boys who look very much like us; we are not first time parents.

When one is a conspicuous family outsiders seem to take liberties and feel it is appropriate to ask any question that comes to mind. We have received so many inappropriate questions with our adopted daughter that we never ever received with our two biological sons.

Here are some suggestions of what not to ask conspicuous families, and also some ideas on how to handle situations when one is on the receiving end. All these questions have been asked to me in every form imaginable. With each response remember that your child is watching how you handle the situation as a guideline of where she/he stands in the family. When strangers come up and chat with my daughter then proceed to ask questions she will hide behind me. Even at a young age they know that for some reason they are being singled out.

1. Never ask "how much did you pay for her/him."