Why Smokey the Bear Has Driven Me Insane

I am at my wit's end. No longer am I interested by the daily grind, and the world has taken its final toll on me. Before I end my worthless existence on this planet, I would like to share a secret with all of you. This very secret has caused me so much suffering over my lifetime that it has led to my suicide. It has defined my existence since I was a toddler, and everyday its unfair burden has hammered away at my sanity. I can no longer bear this terrible curse, and before I pass, I want the world to know- I am the only one who can prevent forest fires.

I know, I know. It sounds ridiculous. I could not possibly be the only person on the planet who can prevent forest fires. But it is the absolute truth. My job on this green earth was declared to me when I was very young. Even as a mere child I was tormented by visual and auditory hallucinations of a large bear wearing a hat and blue jeans...Smokey was his name, I believe. Through some animalistic-telepathy he bear was somehow able to communicate to me, and it would always speak the same six words "Only you can prevent forest fires."

In the blissfulness of youth, I actually took pride in the notion of such responsibility, and I always saw my encounters with Smokey as a subtle and friendly reminder that I was the protector of the world's forests. I watched the Captain Planet television show, looking for any edge in my fight against the forest fires that were wreaking havoc over the homes of all the cute little woodland animals. As I aged, however, I began to see the complexity of my predicament- in a world with over 6 billion people and billions of acres of land, I was the sole protector of all the forests. There was so much ground to cover, and there was no one to help me.