Cliques, Rumors and Shut Outs: How Girls Use Relational Aggression to Hurt Each Other

When you think of a bully, do you think of a big brute of a boy, pushing kids around and taking their lunch money? Bullying has many forms, and with girls it often takes the form of relational aggression. In a world where social norms expect girls to be sweet and kind, angry feelings are often expressed in much more subtle, yet equally painful forms.

What is Relational Aggression?Invisibility undermines the potential impact of both the potential of a negative consequence administered by an authority and social disapproval. Invisibility also makes it easier to rationalize an irresponsible or harmful action due to the lack of potential for detection and punishment". At a lecture that I attended by Rachel Simmons, she advised young girls to consider what they are typing, and to picture the person in front of them before sending an email or IM. If the text is not something that they would feel comfortable saying to the receiver in person, they should not hit send.

How Can Parents and Teachers Help?

As parents, it can be devastating to watch a child become a victim of a bully. Relationalaggression.com offers several tips to help parents help their daughters. These include involving your child in social circles not related to school, such as YMCA, Girl Scouts, and Sports Groups. These help children realize an identity and a worth outside of the environment where bullying occurs. Other suggestions include monitoring the situation closely, and stepping in when needed.

One clear point that Rachel Simmons addresses in her Harcourt interview, is the fact that girls want their feelings to be validated, "After I interviewed each girl, I asked her what she wished her mom or dad would have done to make her life easier. Overwhelmingly, the girls said they wished their parents had not trivialized their pain. Don't tell me that it will pass; that it's a phase; that she's "just jealous;" that I'm taking things too seriously; that they're just joking. Honor my pain for what it is - devastating."