FDA Insists: No Donations of Gay Blood; It's Too Icky

Homophobic members of the Food and Drug Administration have discovered a way to live forever; therefore they can stand behind their ignorant decision to disallow men with alternative lifestyles from donating blood.

The decision was first made in 1983 as a means to prevent the spread of HIV through transfusions. A noble suggestion during a time when HIV / AIDS was an almost exclusive disease for gay, white males only.

On Wednesday the FDA reminded the public of their policy, via their website, despite being criticized by the Red Cross in 2006 who called it "medically and scientifically unwarranted."

"I am disappointed, I must confess," said Dr. Celso Bianco, executive vice president of America's Blood Centers, whose members provide nearly half the nation's blood supply.

Since 1977, any male with the courage to donate blood has been asked a few pre-poke questions just as a formality. Among the questions- "Have you had sex, even once, with another man?"

Answer "yes" and you'll be permanently banned from ever being a secret samaritan.

Note to FDA: No man who may be struggling with his sexuality is going to "come out" to you. And chances are, there's plenty of gay blood circulating in straight bodies.

In March 2006, the Red Cross, the international blood association AABB and America's Blood Centers proposed that a one-year deferral replace the lifetime ban.

With such great strides in modern medicine, HIV-positive blood can now be detected within just 10 to 21 days of infection, making the lifetime ban completely mute.

Alas, the FDA doesn't see it that way. Another FDA theory is that gay blood could actually turn a blood transfusion recipient gay - who will then sue the hospital and donor center. Eventually the whole world would be gay and thus ending procreation. So really, the FDA is only looking out for the future of humanity.

The FDA has budged just a smidge though- they've agreed to change their policy if given data that shows gay blood wouldn't pose a "significant and preventable" risk to blood recipients.