Why the Government Should Regulate the Weather

Encouraging Equal Opportunity for All

I grow tired of chaotic, unpredictable, and wildly fluctuating weather conditions. Left to its own devices, the weather produces nothing but sustained inequality and frustration for all. Therefore, in accordance with the rising tide of public opinion in support of government-imposed climate controls, I would like to take an already popular idea one step further. I believe that the federal government should impose regulations on all weather within the boundaries of the United States under the following plan:

1. In accordance with the principle of universal equality, the temperature in all locations of the country will henceforth be made equal; the government will accomplish this by a massive redistribution of heat from warmer locations to cooler locations.

2. The temperature in all locations shall henceforth be fixed at 75 degrees Fahrenheit. Global warming and global cooling are to be entirely outlawed. If the weather refuses to cooperate with these requirements, fines will be imposed on it in proportion to its deviation from the legal temperature. These fines are expected to be sufficient to fund the remainder of the proposals outlined here.

3. Every location in the country will henceforth receive an equal amount of precipitation at precisely the same time during the day. No location shall be permitted to have more water than any other location, and any person shown to possess water in excess of the permitted quota will be fined $5000 for every liter of water possessed.

4. All unfair and monopolistic combinations of weather, such as hurricanes, tornadoes, snowstorms, thunderstorms, warm spells, cool spells, and other apparent schemes of collusion among elements in the Earth's atmosphere are henceforth outlawed. By order of the federal courts, each of these weather combinations can be dissolved into smaller components that will be spread evenly throughout the country.