The Best in Budget Booze: A Product Guide for the Bottom-Shelf Connoisseur

Introduction

Every college dropout is aware that intoxicating mystery-liquids can be had in gallons for prices barely exceeding those of Saudi crude. Identifying these products is not the purpose of this guide

Instead, I aim to reveal the cheapest drinkable hooch on the American market. If you simply desire the most inexpensive product, period, know that the cheapest (and most disgusting) product listed here costs eight dollars a bottle.

Anything cheaper than that is madness.

Now that the "I'll drink anything" crowd has lurched from our sight, let's take a look at the products that deliver drinkable firewater within the means of students and the unemployed. Regarding the inevitable aftermath, choice hangover tips can be found at the conclusion of this article.

Ground Rules

RULE #1 : When you are investing a lone Alexander Hamilton(yes, $10), suppress the urge to get fancy: the more exotic the liquor, the more corners the distiller will cut in order to sell it to you. The results will not be pleasant.

RULE #2: Whatever you buy, always plan on freezing it before you drink it. This will help immeasurably in reducing the awfulness of shots and mixed drinks alike.

RULE #3: Buying in bulk is a common sense practice which obviously spares you some cash, given proper foresight.

Thoughts on Variety

Let me say at the outset that vodka is virtually the only thing worth buying on the cheap. It is very difficult to produce a tolerable whisky/rum/tequila etc for the bottom shelf crowd.

If, for example, you plan on buying a "tequila" for ten dollars or less, you aren't exactly getting tequila; cheap brands contain very little of the agave plant that predominates in the genuine article. Whisky, rum, etc also suffer from glaring defects when sold for a pittance.

More importantly, the more flavorful bargain-spirits tend to be engorged with fusel oils and cogeners - the vomit-inducing, hangover-producing compounds that aggravate most drinkers in the morning. Vodka, being the easiest spirit to manufacture cleanly, is therefore an ideal choice for the budget minded booze-hound.
The Best in Cheap Vodka

Best Vodka for the Price: