How to Beat Your Teen at Basketball

OK, so like me, you are 49 years old...er...young, and you are faced with a grave situation. Your ego caused you to step in some trouble piled high and deep. You opened your yapper and challenged two teenage boys to a one-on-two basketball game. YOU verses THEM. You are old; they are young. They play regularly on their high school team--you have not played the game in thirty years.

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FRIGGIN' MIND?!!!

Yes, but you are not chopped liver, and, like me, you can acquire and use secret weapons of mass destruction. Here is how the game went:

The teens took the ball out. They passed the ball back and forth. I pressed each one as he received the ball. I told them not to go easy on me--"play your best game...give it one hundred percent." I, in turn, gave the game only 75%. I also talked a lot of smack, "Is that all you've got, girls?"

Calling them "girls," of course, infuriated them. It only motivated them to push even harder! They scored basket after basket. They blew by me on each play...for the first TEN minutes.

Then it was my turn. I was still giving the game my 75% effort. My mom wouldn't be proud--she would be scratching her head. You see, after the first ten minutes of play, I was the only one on the court scoring. When the game was over, the final score was old man: 22...two strapping youths: 14.

How To Beat Players Who Are Younger, Stronger, Faster and Better Than You

OK...OK, you have been patient; it is now time to reveal my secret weapons of mass destruction:

1. Cardiovascular conditioning: For the last thirty years I have not played much basketball, but I have done a lot of running, swimming, biking, and aerobic/anaerobic exercise.

The two teens, by contrast, play on their high school basketball team; however, I noticed that the coach hardly ever makes them run for any extended period of time. Occasionally, he will make the team do wind sprints up and down the court--but only as a form of punishment. When the team plays well, the coach rewards them by letting them rest--they mostly stand around, or sit on the bench listening to the coach give long-winded speeches that would make George Bush stutter with envy.