Flordor: The Adventures and Trials of a Modeling Conference

Nine hundred modelves gathered in one hotel

Nine hundred dollars to get them in the door

Three days and two nights-it sounded so swell

One huge event no one could ignore

In the Land of Flordor where the palm trees dwell

One day to get them there. One day to woo them.

One day to fool them all and in long lines to screw them.

In the Land of Flordor where the palm trees dwell.

Prologue

On the East Coast, in an area known as Spotsylvania, there lived a guy. (An ambiguous if not too inclusive title.) He was known to many as Jesse The Gray, but to his companions he was just Jesse The.

A man of many words and gestures, Jesse was often found daydreaming of great adventures and fantastic ways of being discovered. So one day when he received a phone call from a well-reputed organization-whose name I shall not utter here (for fear of a lawsuit)-offering him a chance to go to Flordor for a grand conference, he couldn't refuse.

The cost was $900-a hefty sum in those days-but he would have the chance to gather with 900 other axtors and modelves in one of the grandest inns in all of North America. There he would be able to meet with various Lords and Ladies of The Industry, and compete for their attention.

Eager to get away from Spotsylvania (which produced snow and crappy weather far into the Spring) and pursue his dream, Jesse accepted. (No doubt helped along by the promised guy-maiden ratio of 1:3.) Holding aloft Visa, a card forged from sturdy plastic long ago by Citibank, Jesse swore to pay for this once-in-a-lifetime event.

He then waited for...a long, long time. He spent his waking hours in a wilderness of solitude and tortured employment. He became a very wretched creature, living on Little Debbie snack cakes and protein drinks, hoping and praying that his journey to Flordor would be a turning point in his life. But even the wise cannot see all ends...and since Jesse was not wise, he didn't have a chance in heck of knowing how things would turn out.

Had he known, or even had a glimpse of what would be, he would have stayed in his home in Spotsylvania. But that is neither here nor there, and so it is nowhere, which is exactly where this prologue is going.