How to Have a Safety-First Fourth of July

Every time the nation celebrates its birthday amidst a shower of dazzling lights, hundreds of parents shed a collective and untimely tear. It is not a response to the fulgently patriotic sky, but rather, a tear of mourning for their wounded child. That's right: The Fourth of July is a dangerous holiday. This should not come as a surprise. What do you expect will happen when adults drink too much, neglect their children who are incidentally armed with fiery explosives.

If you want to prevent little Johnny from celebrating his country by imitating the bloodshed of its founders this Fourth of July, then you might want to follow the following advice, which offers risk-free alternatives for the safety-conscious parent.

1. Sparklers only, and under supervision

Of all the fireworks, one of the least dangerous is the sparkler. I have never, in fact, witnessed or experienced a sparkler wound. Even so, sparklers could potentially wound a human, and so if you elect to let your child operate a sparkler, make sure to stand very close by so as to take no chances. Additionally, use the following psychological tactic: act as though you think the sparkler is dangerous; this will make the child feel as though her sparkler is a 'real' firework.

2. Peak Physical Health

Make this 4^th of July alcohol free. This will make it easier for you to monitor you child's activities. Additionally, substitute your child's caffeinated drink with a juice box. Juice boxes are handy, and will eliminate the possibility that the child's 'caffeine buzz' will lead him or her to rebel against you.

3. History Contest

Buy a firework weeks before the Fourth of July, and tell your children that you will light it off for them only if they can pass a quiz, which you will type, that covers about 50 questions of national history. If they want to see that fire, then they will have to learn about their country and the relevant facts surrounding its independence. Your children will be allowed to view the firework, which you will light, at a distance of no closer than fifty yards.

4. No Snappers