Uncle Jake's Guide to Marriage

So, you're married. Or you're going to be, or you want to be. Chances are, if you're alive (I'm told that at least 63% of my readers are, so this may apply to you), one of those three descriptions is possibly true of you, and if that is the case, you need this guide. Either that, or you need to move to Canada. Why Canada, you ask? Nothing interesting every happens in Canada (if it did, the Canadian government would be promptly sued by the U.S entertainment industry for defamation and irreparable damages), and marriage is nothing if not interesting.

First things first, we need to sort you into groups. Don't worry, your Uncle is a highly educated professional in this field, so we're going to sort you into groups A, B and C. Group A will be the "Marrieds", group B will be the "Soon To Be Marrieds", or STBM's for short (see? Your Uncle has this down). Group C will be the "Want To Be's", or WTB's. That's the power of a doctorate degree at work right there.

Now that that's out of the way, figure out which group you're in, and please be honest. Honesty is a critical element to marriage, and if you're ever going to learn how to fake it effectively, you're going to have to practice. If you're already married and you haven't mastered the art of this yet, fear not; your Uncle shall save you. I wouldn't lie about these things.

Once you've figured out which group you're in, please write the letter down in at least three places, two copies of which you must mail by 6:23 am yesterday to addresses I'm going to make you read my mind to figure out. The third you may keep for your own personal records. This is important, as this very sort of thing happens in marriages all the time. I'll give you a perfect, true example.

My wife and I were having a pleasant discussion in the bathroom the other morning when, randomly, she asks me if I've paid the rent. Well of course I hadn't; I thought she had, as she's usually the one who pays the rent.

Naturally, I handled the potentially sticky situation like a dutiful husband and said, "Of course I did, dear."