How to Dispose of a Dead Body

Killing someone is messy business but somebody's got to do it. Granted it's not for the weak of heart or those with a sensitive stomach but it's a chore all the same. The killing part isn't all that hard, it's stashing the corpse that can lead to ulcers and migraines.

The next time you set out to murder another human being choose one of these simple disposal methods instead of dumping your dead bodies in the dumpster.

Feed the Fish
This is perhaps one of my favorite methods of disposal. It's somewhat messy and requires planning but it is a fool proof way to get rid of the evidence. Body bags and transport pouches will not be needed.

Once your victim is no longer breathing drag them out into the backyard. Spread a tarp on the ground, preferably a big black tarp, and plug in your industrial sized wood chipper. Vecoplan makes some nice ones. Feed the body into the chipper. Beware of flying chunks of flesh and spraying blood.

Make sure that the flesh mulch is spewed onto the tarp or into an appropriate sized container. Body parts should be mulched small enough as not to be recognizable.

Once all body parts have been turned into mulch, you'll want to use an antibacterial cleaner that contains a lot of bleach to clean out the inside and outside of the wood chipper.

Then simply gather the murder victim's mulched body parts and head out to a lake or even better an ocean, if you happen to have a boat, all the better. Spread the body parts on the water and let the fish gobble it up. No one will ever know what happened to the body. Water that has sharks or other flesh eating fish is best.

Serve Your Fellow Man
When it comes to removing a dead body, getting rid of all the body parts is crucial. Use the bathtub for minimal mess when chopping up the body. Sharp knives, hacksaws and axes work best for dismemberment. Throw a dinner party and serve your victim to your guests. Leg bones make excellent stock for soups and stews. Any left over bones can be fed to the dogs or baked until they can be crumbled up and spread around a garden later.