Establishing a "Safe Word" for Sexual Experimentation
April 26, 2006 by
The concept of a safe word to use during sex comes from the bondage community. A safe word is a word or phrase that either partner can say when the scenario gets too uncomfortable to continue. Although the idea of a safe word originated in a particular subculture, any couple delving into
unfamiliar sexual territory for the first time should have one.
Advantages of Having a Safe Word
There are many advantages to having a safe word. The first is that sexual experimentation with your partner should always feel fun and safe. Whether you’re tying each other to the bedposts or role-playing for the first time, establishing a safe word makes both partners comfortable that the situation can end at any sign of discomfort.
Secondly, you and your partner will be more likely to try new things, because you will be released from any psychological obligation you might feel to finish an act you are uncomfortable with.
Most importantly, though, establishing a safe word with your partner will open lines of communication. Talking about having a safe word to use during sex is a good way to talk about other aspects of your sexual relationship. When you broach the subject of having a safe word for sexual experimentation, you can express to each other things that you would like to try, things you are hesitant to try, and things you are absolutely uncomfortable with.
Choosing the Safe Word
When you and your partner establish a safe word, you need to choose something that is easy for both of you to remember, no matter what is going on. You and your partner may have the same word, or choose different words. Either way, the safe word needs to be free of sexual connotations. “No” and “stop” make bad safe words, because those are words that might be said as part of sex play. For example, if you and your partner go to a bar and one of you is pretending to pick up the other as a stranger, “Stop hitting on me,” or “No, I won’t go home with you” are potentially confusing if “no” or “stop” is the safe word.
Advantages of Having a Safe Word
There are many advantages to having a safe word. The first is that sexual experimentation with your partner should always feel fun and safe. Whether you’re tying each other to the bedposts or role-playing for the first time, establishing a safe word makes both partners comfortable that the situation can end at any sign of discomfort.
Secondly, you and your partner will be more likely to try new things, because you will be released from any psychological obligation you might feel to finish an act you are uncomfortable with.
Most importantly, though, establishing a safe word with your partner will open lines of communication. Talking about having a safe word to use during sex is a good way to talk about other aspects of your sexual relationship. When you broach the subject of having a safe word for sexual experimentation, you can express to each other things that you would like to try, things you are hesitant to try, and things you are absolutely uncomfortable with.
Choosing the Safe Word
When you and your partner establish a safe word, you need to choose something that is easy for both of you to remember, no matter what is going on. You and your partner may have the same word, or choose different words. Either way, the safe word needs to be free of sexual connotations. “No” and “stop” make bad safe words, because those are words that might be said as part of sex play. For example, if you and your partner go to a bar and one of you is pretending to pick up the other as a stranger, “Stop hitting on me,” or “No, I won’t go home with you” are potentially confusing if “no” or “stop” is the safe word.
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- When your partner says the safe word, it means STOP.
- Choose a safe word that you wouldn't normally say during sex but that you can easily remember.
- Choosing a safe word together will help you discuss things you'd like to try.
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