Forget 'Dr. Phil', Just Ask 'The G-man'

What My Very Own Show Would Be Like

Let me ask you a question. How many of you are as sick of this "Dr. Phil" guy as I am? Oh, man! It was bad enough when we had to get a dose of him practically every week on "Oprah", but now he has his own syndicated show. He gained notoriety because of his no-nonsense approach in dealing with problems concerning love and life. Many have praised this man for being a straight shooter, but let's be clear about one thing. He was NOT the first to tackle issues using a no-nonsense approach, and I was extremely insulted when the "suits" at CBS passed me over for this clown. Thanks Les Moonves!

I think "From the G-man" would have garnered huge ratings, and I would've shown American audiences what real toughness was all about. The only difference with my show is that it probably would have been a live broadcast of a radio call-in show, like that of the now defunct "Imus in the Morning". I imagine it would have gone a little something like this.

Caller 1: Hey G-man. I've been having the worst luck meeting men. They won't come near me. I look like Eva Longoria, from the show 'Desperate Housewives", but they practically run in the other direction whenever I get close to them. What do you think is the problem?

G-man: Caller, does the word deodorant mean anything to you? Go get some "Secret" and get off my line! Next!

Caller 2: (Sobbing) Yo, G-man! Dude, my girl keeps cheating on me and I don't know why. I've been with her for five years, and she just won't stop. I love her so much. Can you tell me what should I do?

G-man: (Soothing tone) Sure. Now, listen carefully. I want you to go down to a sporting goods store. Then, I want you to purchase an aluminum bat. Here's the important part, so listen very carefully. I want you to take that bat and clock yourself in the head a few times, really hard, until you knock some sense into it! Five years of cheating, and you're still with the slut?! What are you...whipped?! You know what? On second thought, bring me the damn bat and let me do the honors. Get off my line! Next!

Caller 3: Hi G-man!

G-man: Yeah, yeah! What's your crisis?