The 2007 "JACKY" Awards

With numerous awards shows being broadcast, I thought this would be a perfect opportunity to invite you folks to the greatest awards show to ever be conceived. It's called "The Jacky Awards" and yours truly is the host. I've hosted it for the last seven years, and the ratings continue to go through the roof. The show honors those who have achieved a level of idiocy or unwarranted acclaim that is impossible to comprehend. The winners are presented with a hideous looking jackass made of fake gold! What?! I know you didn't think I was going to give these people anything made of real gold, did you? If you did I have a special Jacky just for you.

Hey, the show is just about to start! All of the "A" list celebrities are arriving for the big event. I just chased Joan Rivers and her daughter Melissa off the red carpet. Imagine them trying to crash The G-man's gig? You have to keep those Hollywood-types in check. Oh, hell no! Security, who invited Dennis Hopper? That man has freaked me out ever since I watched "Blue Velvet". Get him out of here! Okay, the show producers are calling me inside. I'd better get in there before they get Billy Crystal to host. Enjoy the show!

An orchestra begins playing "Fight the Power" by The Isley Brothers. The G-man, dressed in a Yugo Boss tuxedo, steps from behind the curtain to thunderous applause. Elizabeth Taylor, Jennifer Anniston, Halle Berry, America Ferrera ("Ugly Betty"), and the guys from "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" all blow kisses to him. A television cameraman gets a close shot of George Clooney raising his fist and saluting The G-man with the "black power" sign. Mike Myers is in the front row yelling, "Yeah baby, yeah!" The audience continues to applaud wildly.