The Depression Diary: Chapter 1

Depression hurts.

It is anger, sadness, lethargy, hurt feelings, a lack of confidence, madness, insanity all balled into one. At least for me it is. Over a thousand of life's emotions, including some happiness, wrapped into one entity. It is a roller coaster. You never know what the next minute will give you. It is uncontrollable swings. It is unpredictable.

Depression is about pretending. Hiding who you really are. Masking your depression with a more acceptable emotion. Faking smiles and happiness to cover the depression. Depression is unaccepted, causing people who have it to be embarrassed about it when it should be treated. No one talks about depression. It is kept hidden.

Depression is screaming. It is silent. It is crying. It is keeping things from those that love you. It is misunderstood. It is not caring about anything anymore. It is about living or dying. You feel lifeless at times. It is lonely. It is tiring. It is not just a phase I am going through.

Others don't understand. "Snap out of it" or "go get some sun" aren't solutions. I don't know what causes it. I am not sure how to cure it. I know that there is no easy fix. This isn't just a mood or a phase. Depression is thread through every aspect of my life. It is not going away any time soon.

My depression is different. I am not in a listless dark mood all the time. Most people I know don't realize that anything is "wrong". When I am around people, I am happy. I like being around others and enjoy conversation. I have friends that have no idea that I suffer from depression. When I am around them. I am genuinely in a good spirit. This is why therapy didn't work for me. She didn't think I was depressed cause I was happy just to have someone to talk to.

But at the core, I often want to die. I have stopped myself several times from driving my car head first into a telephone pole at 90 mph. I stop myself because even in death I worry about what people will think of me. How sad is that, because often there is no purpose to live.