Stevens Announces Run for Presidency

Senator Evan Stevens (I), the independent and moderate mid-Westerner, announced his candidacy for United States President from Capitol Hill today. At his kickoff party, the nondescript Senator Stevens, 50 years old and of average weight and height, could be seen holding his wife's hand and a drink in his other, very watered down. The Senator addressed the mostly subdued but sometimes enthused crowd. "I am reasonably pleased with the work some of us have accomplished over my two terms in the Senate. I think we've made incremental positive change on a number of relatively important issues. I'd like to thank many of you for helping to make that happen, at least in part. It's time now to gradually bring our tempered determination and cautious optimism to the oval office "

An advocate of Senatorial term limits, Stevens from the beginning promised to serve only two terms saying that 12 years wasn't so long as to become power hungry but long enough to make some change. He characterized it as 'about right'.

On the issues, Stevens consistently received a 50 percent rating from every special interest and lobbying group in the country. In his first term, he advocated moderate budget increases and small tax cuts while in his second term he favored minor budget cuts and slight tax increases. On securing our borders, he was on the fence. On the war on terror, he grudgingly voted in favor of using force but under the condition that it be a complete success. When the issue of school prayer came up, Stevens favored it provided that atheist students could read from Sartre at the same time or be allowed to sit sullenly. On energy he championed the use of wind power but was willing to work with big oil and gas companies to develop it. Stevens once remarked, "We should all commit to obtaining power by going whichever way the wind blows." He received campaign contributions from unions and corporations, trial lawyers and HMOs, Hollywood executives and pro-family lobbies, and Ted Turner and Ruppert Murdoch alike.