Looking for Love

Jamie’s Love


How come I can't make you love me? 

How come every time I gain points, I lose points? 

What is wrong with me? Am I the only person on earth who is unable to earn love? The sole being.... undeserving of ardor? 

My love tank is overflowing, all I want to do is love. It's all I have ever wanted to do. 

This child in me learned at a very young age that love only comes at a price. And, if you're bad, you lose it. Gone. Poof 

I continued this despicable cycle....with my first victim; I could not receive the love. I couldn't. He gave, and gave and I could not accept it. I knew I didn't deserve it. I know that now, I don't deserve it. Yet, I want it so badly. 

What kind of person doesn't accept love, what kind of person shuns it and annihilates another's spirit? It's contempt. It's evilness. 

Instead, I tried and tried and tried to make him UNlove me...hurting him, decapitating his heart. 

I was so caught up in fighting off love that I destroyed a life....I extinguished the fiery essence of another..... At least one... A merciless murder of the soul. 

I want to be loved and accepted and held and protected so bad. I wonder if people ...like me, whomever or whatever that is....
Exist to un-exist. Live to die, yet, die to love. 

...I lost so many points when I was busy and intent on hurting people that the deficit of my dishonesty... of my superficial love... can never be made positive. 

Please just look at me, look in me, look around me at what I can be...and love me. Please keep loving me when I am unlovable....when I try to make you not love me. Please love me. 

See my heart. See my soul. See me and love me. Cover me in love. Shelter me in love. Protect me from un-love. 

See my scars, see my open wounds, see my ugliness inside and out, and love me. 

See my emptiness, see my selfishness, see my sad heart, my lonely heart, and love me... despite me. 

Look at me, beyond my evil ways, beyond my bitter, utter cruelty, see my heinous, fragile.....glass heart, shattered, glued, and broken again. But, still love me.