Sports Briefs: The Net Nanny

If it weren't for Dwyane Wade's habitual habit of dominating, he would make the perfect nanny.

As Jane and Michael Banks requested in their search for a guardian they could take advantage of: "If you want this choice position, have a cheery disposition, rosy cheeks, no warts; play games, all sort. You must be kind, you must be witty, very sweet and fairly pretty. Take us on outings, give us treats, sing songs, bring sweets. Never be cross or cruel, Never give us Castor oil or gruel. Love us as a son and daughter, and never smell of barley water. If you won't scold and dominate us, we will never give you cause to hate us. We won't hide your spectacles so you can't see, put toads in your bed or pepper in your tea. Hurry, Nanny! Many thanks. Sincerely, Jane and Michael Banks."

As opposed to those athletes whose body odor is more reminiscent of barley water than Cool Water, or for those who would look better wearing surgical stockings than spectacles, Wade would make the perfect Mary Poppins, especially after his recent guest appearance on "Supernanny."

Joe Frost was faced with a getting Anthony Jr. (also referred to as Anthony the Pyrooter or Anthony Los Bandido) to help out around the house. Joe decided that her two best options were either allowing one of his NBA idols to talk some sense into the boy or chaining Anthony Jr. to a rack and begin peeling his skin off using a razor blade.

Fortunately, the injured Miami Heat star, Wayne, as my wife referred to him, met up with the boy and played one-on-one with him. This saved Anthony Jr. from ever having to experience first-hand what a potato feels like.

I seemed to get the indication that Wayne wasn't playing as hard as he could against Anthony Jr., as evidenced by Anthony Jr. elbowing Wayne in the face and knocking him to the floor. But this could be because Kobe Bryant is more of a hero to Anthony Jr. than Wayne.