Atlanta Braves Sign Actor Charlie Sheen

Desperate for starting pitching after the loss of Mike Hampton and the ineffectiveness of Mark Redman, Kyle Davies and Lance Cormier, the Atlanta Braves have signed actor Charlie Sheen to a major league contract.

The star of Hot Shots! and Scary Movie 3, Sheen is no stranger to the game. As a boy, he played in Little League. As an adult, he participated in a Celebrity All-Star Game at Dodger Stadium in 1986. And in 1996, he took batting practice with the Seattle Mariners before a game. However, it was his work in three baseball-based films - Major League, Major League II, and Eight Men Out - that caught the eye of the Atlanta Braves.

"In those movies, Charlie proved he had a real talent for the game," said Executive Vice President and General Manager John Schuerholz. "At one point in Major League, he was throwing 101 MPH. That's what we need right now - someone who can come in and get strikeouts."

"I like his gutsy attitude," said Manager Bobby Cox. "In Major League II, when he intentionally walked that guy just so he could face the other team's best hitter, I got goosebumps. He didn't give a crap."

The signing has not been without its critics. ESPN's Peter Gammons called the move "the stupidest thing" he had ever heard. USA Today's Bob Nightengale asked, "have the Braves lost their minds?" Sports Illustrated's Tom Verducci called it, "worse than any move the Tampa Bay Devil Rays have ever made." And The Sporting News' Ken Rosenthal asked incredulously, "they do realize those were movies and he wasn't really throwing that hard, right?!"

However, after fifteen years of unmatched success, the Braves feel they have earned the benefit of the doubt.

"There will always be critics," said Schuerholz. "Frankly, I don't understand how anyone could have seen Charlie Sheen in those movies and yet question the wisdom in our signing him. What movies were they watching? The man was throwing freakin' 101 MPH!"