If Mark Cuban Bought the Chicago Cubs

"I submitted an app." And with those four words Mark Cuban, in a surprisingly understated and very non-Cuban fashion, threw his hat in one of the priciest rings in professional sports. One might have expected the self-made billionaire and Dallas Mavericks owner to declare his interest by renting the Goodyear Blimp with those four words blinking in big lights, followed by a dramatic parachute landing into the WGN booth just in time to sing the 7th inning stretch.

As Mavericks owner and rabid fan, Cuban wears his heart on his sleeve, not to mention several ounces of sweat dripping from his choppy black hair. The projected impact for Cub fans is that the franchise will gravitate ever close to the stratospheric payroll George Steinbrenner underwrites for the Yankees. It means that there will be no such thing as a rebuilding season from this point forward, and instead the team's success will come down to a combination of execution and injuries. In other words, the team will never be outspent.

Cuban is no panacea. Payroll and spending have not been the team's problem the past few years. Instead, the Cubs have suffered through a combination of injuries, distracting sideshows, self-imposed drama and, in many cases, a knack for playing far below their potential. But, that said, here are ten things that I believe we will see if Mark Cuban buys the Cubs.

10. In 2004, former Cub Moises Alou was roundly ridiculed for revealing that he pees on his hands in order to toughen his skin. Kerry Wood confirmed that he tried the technique as well. Worry no more Cub players, and feel free to relieve yourself on your hands, toes, or any other body part because with a Cuban-owned team, the urine will flow like, well urine, but it will be smell like a pomegranate martini keeping you warm on a cold Chicago night.

9. Ah, Old Style Beer. There is something sad about a 35 year-old father of two spending $6 to drink a beer that causes you to grow teary with nostalgia for the sweet taste of Milwaukee's Best imbibed during your youth. I suspect that with Cuban in charge the "Beers of the World" concession stand might contain beer slightly more worldly than Leinenkugal.