The Truth About Parenting: Dealing with Adolescent Oppositional Behavior

Embracing the Shadow. My son, Brandon, who is just about to turn 18, has recently been trying to reach out to his father who has in turn insisted on repeatedly putting him off. Watching this has been heartbreaking. And since as his mother my instinct is to protect him from pain, I have had to resist making that controlling and irate phone call to his dad (who i am divorced from, by the way, in case you haven't figured that out) giving him a piece of my mind. But with great effort I stand back. I stand near. But I stand back. I do that because Brandon is learning something about himself. He is reflecting upon his own reactions to his father's rejection - and for good reason. He has begun to individuate his own self concept from the internalized view of himself based on his father's opinion of him. It is a painstaking process. But the rewards are priceless for him as I have been watching him become more and more surefooted in his approach to life. And his budding wisdom has become apparent at the most unexpected moments when dealing with the difficulties in his life. Those are the moments when I have sighed with relief. He has been growing up just fine.

But I have had to learn about taking a step back during these times. Trying to resolve things for him, no matter how well-intended and "right" I am just spurs resentment toward me in him. Why? After all, I'M not the one rejecting him!! No, but I'm the one trying to save him. When I did that I was sending the message that he can't figure things out for himself. And that rescue-mentality is really about me - about needing to fix everything myself for fear of myself or anyone in my family becoming, God forbid, a lost loser treading down the forbidden path of debauchery. OK so they make some mistakes. OK a lot of mistakes. But I found a way to have faith. Both in myself and in him. I have learned that giving him some clues as to what direction he might take to conduct his inquiries is a whole different thing then telling him what to do. And what's cool is that he usually does report to me the recent updates. And I am a lot more relaxed.