Ten Reasons Why I Believe that Rachael Ray is the Devil

1. No one could possibly stay thin and eat $40 worth of food a day without the ability to harness some major league evil mojo.

2. Her insistence on sacrificing Extra VIRGIN Olive Oil.

3. Her recipe for Baby Back Ribs calls for an actual baby. (OK,so that may not be true, but my brother's best friend's cousin's former roomate totally said he saw it in the book "Thirty Minute Meals 2")

4. If you watch carefully, you will notice that she never actually handles any garlic. They show hands chopping it, but they are not hers.

5. She has written 13 books. No more, no less.

6. A tape of her voice was recently played backwards and the voice clearly said, "I command you to drink the blood of the innocent, it's so delish."

7. A young woman in Peru, shortly before having a demon exorcised from her, vomited out a substance that scientists now confirm was "You-Won't-Be-Single-for-Long Vodka Cream Pasta"

8. According to Ancient Mayan relics, preparing complete meals from scratch in 30 minutes or less was considered a way of declaring one's allegiance with evil.

9. One of Saddam Hussein's palaces was said to have contained an exact replica of the "Thirty Minute Meals" kitchen.

10. The magazine "Every Day with Rachael Ray" will not burn. I totally tried this one out after it rained recently. Sure enough, it WOULD NOT burn.