Student's Guide to Mississippi State University and the Starkville Community

First off all, let me lay down a few rules that apply no matter what college or university you attend.

Rule Number One: You are going to have to stand in line. Some of these lines will be unbearably long. So long, that the most grizzled of Disney World veterans will marvel at them. Complaining about the size of the line will not make it go any faster, nor will it eventually do away with them. Standing in line is your destiny. Accept it.

Rule Number Two: The line you are not in will always move faster that the one you are in. If you switch lines, your new line will immediately slow down while your former line will magically speed up. Science has yet to prove why this phenomenon occurs, but I can save you a lot of headaches and minor psychotic episodes by telling you this now.

Rule Number Three: There is not a single college, university, or tech school in the country without a parking problem. Mississippi State is no different. Nothing you say, do, or write will solve it. It is your destiny. Accept it.

Rule Number Four: There's this thing called "class." You need to go to it in order to pass. Passing is something you want to do if you want to remain a college student. Many freshmen forget this amidst the fun of football games, hanging out with frat brothers and sorority sisters, and general first-year mayhem. People can still fail classes here. It's kind of like real life in that regard.

Rule Number Five: The campus police are not an infernal army of soul-less demons whose only source of pleasure is the suffering of mortal college students. They're just regular Jacks and Jills trying to do a job. Don't give them all nine levels of Dante's hell when they write you a parking ticket. Just smile, nod, and appeal your ticket to the traffic court.