The Problem with Spring and Summer - Or, Why Fat Guys Don't Wear Shorts

I am not much of a fan of spring or summer. I know that this seems like a strange thing to have much of an opinion about and a very contradictory stance to have upon a season. I just like to zig while everyone else zags, I guess. Actually, the reason I don’t like spring and summer all that much centers primarily on the weather. You see, I am a cool to cold weather person.

Confession time. I am a big guy. Some would say fat. I am larger than most, OK? So, warm weather to me is very uncomfortable. I turn from a big fat guy into a big fat sweaty guy in the warmer months. This is never a good thing. Then there’s the fact I never, ever, under any circumstances wear shorts.

I haven’t worn shorts since they made me wear them during gym class in high school. Even then I never wore them outside of school. My entire family took a vacation to Hawaii and there are pictures of me in a Hawaiian shirt and jeans. See, I hate my legs. I am a fat person and so that means I generally think I have hideous fat legs. I don’t like looking at them, so I figure no one else in their right mind would want to look at them either so I keep them covered. I consider this my act of public service.

How many times have you been out somewhere and you see a man or woman wearing something that barely covers them and rather than admiring their body you notice the huge rolls of fat. You make fun of those people, right? You wonder if they have a mirror and if they have ever noticed that they do NOT have the body for that clothing. Well, I want to prove to the world I DO have a mirror and I KNOW that no one wants to see my legs so I do not, under any circumstances, wear shorts. Don’t even get me started on my feet and my dislike of sandals.

I see some guys, like movie director Kevin Smith (Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma), wearing these pseudo shorts that sort of come down to mid-calf so that the bottoms are just a couple of inches above the tops of their shoes. I guess these are shorts, at least in their minds. I have news for Mr. Smith and others who wear these. These are not shorts, these are pants that aren’t long enough. Stop wearing them now please and just put on some pants.