The Effect Suicide Has on a Family

Eight years ago my grandfather woke up and decided his life was not worth living anymore. In a matter of minutes he had made his choice. He took a bottle of pain pills , poured lamp oil all over the house and ended his life . The effect that decision has had on my family is unbearable. In just a minutes time all of our lives were changed. We had no choice, we had no grieving process. His thoughtless stupid decision made a mess for me to clean up. I am known for "fixing" things. I had no chance to say good bye, I had no time to stop and think. Everything was different and I had no answers. How do I fix this? I struggled to keep myself together. I knew that if I didn't take action no one else would. I worked myself into a frenzy. I cleaned the public parts of the house with a vengeance. I pushed and prodded my family into an eerie calmness that I didn't really feel.

My family will not ever recover from this horrible act of selfishness. It is really hard to pretend we live the All American perfect life when my grandfather was so unhappy he shot himself. He didn't look back at all. How unfair it is to have your life turned upside down. People who know me whisper when I am visible in town. " Uh huh, he did , he shot himself on her birthday. Uh huh, it is true I know her." They stare at me with sympathy. Hoping I will eventually reach out and say yes I am sad. Yes I need a hug. I will never say of feel those things. After all these years my pain is so deep and intense . I will never recover from this . I have stopped trying to put it behind me. I can't fix this. The Lord knows I have tried. I scrubbed and scrubbed the bloodstains from the floor, I hid my sadness by remaining insanely busy at all times. I simply can not be bothered on a normal day with this reality because I can't afford to break down now. After all this time.