I Want to Believe in God

I can only remember going to church once with my parents. It was on a Sunday morning and I was about seven years old. I wore a long green dress that had pink and beige flowers scattered on its fabric and white lace lining the sleeve and neck holes (what do you expect - it was the early 90s!). Mom made my hair look pretty as always. Back then my hair was dirty-blonde and super long and wavy. After getting all dressed up my mom, dad, and I left for church.

I don't remember what it was but my parents bickered over something during the ride. At last, we pulled into the parking lot. I got out of the car and was so excited to show off how lady-like I was looking (I've always been a tomboy) . Then my parents got out of the car. And they were fighting.

I stood there waiting for them to get moving so we could get inside the church. We were already late to begin with. But they still stood there arguing. It turned into a real embarrassing scene - shouting and pointing and name-calling right in the middle of the parking lot of the church. I was completely frozen there. There was nothing I could say or do. And then finally they decided since they were so mad to get back into the car and drive home. So I opened the car door, quietly slipped into the backseat and stared out the window longingly at the church as we drove home.

As years moved by I was forced to attend a few Catholic church sessions with some other relatives. Those were a nightmare. I had no clue what was going on and never wanted to be there. It was so uncomfortable for me. Just the thought of being at church made me want to scream.

By 12 years old I had become so jaded about everything in life. I continued down a path of cynicism and clinical depression for many years. I'm still dealing with these issues today. Life has definitely not been all that kind to me. I am not trying to sound like some little brat who wants attention either. I really have been through some very rough times. It feels like someone has been playing a nasty prank on me for so many years and I am sick of it.