How I Learned to Overcome the Pain of Sexual Abuse

I was sexually abused as a child. I was brutalized physically and emotionally. I experienced the kind of life altering pain that for many years prevented me from living a fulfilling life. These experiences left scars upon my mind. These scars manifested as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. A condition which left me vulnerable, confused, and at the mercy of triggers.

A trigger is a situation which is unrelated to the original abuse, but would remind me so strongly of the pain I experienced, that my reaction was inappropriate. An inappropriate reaction could have been something as simple as becoming defensive, or as life altering as picking up and running away to a new town.

In my experience fear was the number one reason I got stuck reliving my painful past. I created the same situations, and involved myself with the same types of toxic people because I was afraid of the unknown. I was often asking myself "how did that happen, again," or "why did that happen, again." I was choosing what was comfortable, not what was healthy? I gravitated toward people who would fulfill my early programming, and they never disappointed me.

Fear can be a good thing when it comes from a healthy place, which is a core feeling of security. People who have been abused and traumatized live in fear all the time. To distinguish between healthy fear and unhealthy fear I had to nurture a healthy feeling of security within myself. I made it my mission to confront my fear.

The trauma I experienced made me anxious and doubt my ability to choose what was healthy for me. I had a disconnect between my brain and my body. My brain would rationalize the unhealthy behavior of others. My body would quake with fear. I made excuses for people, and when I did that I set myself up to repeat the past.