The Art of Making Your Ass Look Good in Pants

Buying Tips to Help You Avoid Being the Butt of Jokes

Your ass is a temple. So choose pants wisely. 

Spend some time in public one day to examine how other people’s asses look in pants. Study them the way you would study gorillas in the jungles of Africa. This may require some strategic hiding behind bushes or ducking under bus stop benches, but this simple act of observation is the necessary foundation for being an expert at buying pants. The worst that can happen is that people will think you’re a pervert. (And in some social circles, that’s a compliment.)

You’ll notice that some people wear pants that make it look like they were born without an ass. Although that would make a cool bumper sticker (picture it: "Born Without an Ass"),  it's definitely not a badge of honor. When it’s as flat as a skateboard down there, it's unflattering to say the very least. The surprising thing is that a lot of these people actually have nice asses. They were just careless and bought pants that didn’t properly display their assets. 

If you have long luxurious hair, you wouldn’t throw on a baseball cap to go to a fancy Hollywood party. You’d show that hair off, making it call out like a mythic Siren, and hypnotize people into running their unworthy fingers through your locks. 

Likewise, you can’t look sexy shaking your booty on the dance floor if people can’t even tell that you have a booty to shake.

(Criticizing teens who wear baggy pants that hang low enough to reveal their dirty underwear is beyond the scope of this article, as well as beyond the scope of good taste.)

First of all, never buy a pair of pants without trying them on in the fitting room in front of a full-length mirror. This effectively bars you from shopping for pants online or at warehouse stores like Costco, where the clothes are piled high on the concrete floor with no fitting rooms on the premises. You need to be able to see what your ass looks like.