Suicide: Dealing with Intentional Death

8 years ago my youngest sister killed herself. She was 16 and heavily involved with equestrian events; she loved anything to do with horses. She lived with my mother and other sister, my wife and I having moved back to the South.

We were on our way home from the baby doctor (we'd just found out we were having a boy) when we got the news. My cell phone rang and my aunt informed me that something had happened, my sister had been shot. As my stomach dropped, my mind raced. How had this happened? Had someone broken into the house? Suicide never crossed my mind. My aunt told me that my mom was riding in the ambulance and, stammering, I asked her to have my mom call me when she got back.

In shock, my wife and I returned home to wait for the phone call.

It was several hours later that my mom called me. "What happened?" I asked; panic now coming to the fore.

"She shot herself."

Dead silence from me. She what? How? With what? There was no way! It was utter disbelief.

The silence on the other end of the phone was horrible, empty. In tears, I told my mom I would try to get a bereavement flight out to Nevada and hung up. I just sat there, feeling empty.

Through the help of family, I and my brother-in-law were able to get a flight out. We met my mother at the airport and between hugs and tears; the truth finally began to settle in. My sister was dead. By her own hand.

The truth was hammered home when we got to my mom's house. My other sister was there, with her two daughters and everyone was in tears. The phone rang constantly, well wishers and friends trying to console the family; none of it did much good.

It didn't take long to go from shock to anger. I was horribly angry at my sister; I wanted to slap her, to shake some sense into her, but obviously that wasn't going to happen. I stayed angry for a very long time, even years later, I can become angry and don't really like to talk about it. So, why am I bringing it up now?