Oil of Olay, "Oh My!"

My world started to sink in. I asked myself all the pertinent questions: Is it because I'm turning thirty in two weeks? No. Is it because I hate my job? No. Is it because my boyfriend is going through a midlife crisis and I think he's cheating on me with one of our friends? No. Was it the repulsive comment Sherri made at work? Yes.

"Nando, you look horrible my dear. Have you been getting enough sleep? You should get something for the bags under your eyes, not to mention your skin looks blotchy and irritated." How dare these words ooze out of her serpent-like tongue. But she struck a nerve with the self-centered vain part of who I am, actually, that's all I am. Had all my late nights caught up with me? Was the New York smog deteriorating my skin cells? Who was I kidding, I never had nice skin. I left work and ran over to Duane Reade for relief.

I found elixirs, potions, and creams. I desperately read labels, directions, and end-results. Nothing claimed to transform me into America's next top model. "How can we place a man on the moon, yet cannot solve the timeless conundrum of dull skin and bags?" Three seconds away from a nervous breakdown, I saw my wonder potion, Olay Regenerist Thermal Skin Polisher (a daily self-heating exfoliating mini-peel treatment). There it was, a brilliant metallic pink-packaged bottle, radiating, glory, hope, and the promise of flawless skin.

After work, I took the train, ferry, and finally, the bus home. Hey, no one said living in New York was easy. I opened the door with the patience of a hunchback being chased by a torch-carrying crowd. I ran into the bathroom to undergo my thermal experience. I squeezed the lilac-colored glue-like substance on my face. I felt nothing. I panicked. I reread the directions. "Massage over face, rewetting face 1-2 times to extend thermal experience." I turned the water on, sprinkled my mug and felt the heat explode all over my face. I suddenly felt sympathy pains for the Wicked Witch of the West as she melted into nothing in her final scene of The Wizard of Oz.