Elements that Kill a Marriage

I've been married for 34 years. My wife and I have survived. I would say beware of those people who claim to be "experts"; who say that idyllic marriages have no problems. Good marriages are fought for, not inherited.

I know that a marriage can be killed by a major catastrophe. If a spouse commits adultery, there is a possibility that the marriage will be over. Any tragedy such as the loss of a child; the loss of a long-standing job; or, the illness of one spouse or the other can compromise the positive feelings that a couple share. However, major life-changing events don't usually put a marriage on the rocks. What usually kills a marriage is a combination of things that erode it over time. Marriages are destroyed by elements that are insidious, and, sometimes hard to detect.

One of the greatest pieces of information I ever received relating to marriage didn't come from a marriage professional, but, from a boss I had. When discussing the world of business and education, he told me that "The only way to coast is downhill". In other words, if a person doesn't grow, they will lose what they already have; they won't stay the same. So it is with marriage. When two people get married, they are usually madly in love. Communication and attraction come easily. However, many couples don't do any work on their relationship, and, as a result, they begin to grow apart; they "coast".

What are the things that get in the way of a marriage staying in "good standing"? One of the greatest things that hurt a marriage is debt. Finances are the greatest single cause of divorce. Debt causes stress. Many people don't have experience handling money. A husband and wife may come from amazingly different backgrounds, and, have a much different attitude on how money should be managed. What money should be spent on causes a lot of dissension? What may be a need to one spouse may seem frivolous to the other. Failure to agree creates a lack of respect for the other spouse.

What role their respective careers are to play is important, and, can create a problem. Sometimes one spouse may feel the need to have a night out alone. This may or may not sit well with the other spouse.