Parental Sex: Can We Pencil it In, Please?

Parental sex seems to be a widespread and horrible problem. I don't mean the time you caught your parents mid-act. We all know that's traumatizing. I mean the act of BEING parents and TRYING to have sex. That can be even more traumatizing.

Searching for anything on the topic, I was dismayed that it seems that the topic of parental sex seems to be altogether ignored or pushed to the cracks of the Internet out of main view and polite conversation. Just because we've become parents doesn't mean we don't want to have sex anymore! We do! We just can't.

A loud banging on the bedroom door, a child's cry over another's injustice, or demands for whatever a child happens to want at the moment are a mother's every day joys. They are also some of the worst "boner kills" known to man.

If you don't have kids yet, allow me to impart important wisdom. The worst cock block in your life will not come from your best friend or a stranger at the bar. It will come from your own womb.

Not only do these little bundles of joy stretch your body into a new shape, causing you to have to learn to be comfortable in your sexuality all over again, they continue to find ways to stop you from "doing the deed".

It's as if they like things the way they are and are taking "family planning" into their own hands by denying you the opportunity to bang out any new additions to the family. They continue to employ their methods as long as they are living with you. It doesn't magically go away as they get older.

I absolutely love my son, but after nine years of his "radar" I learned that I had to be cunning to get laid. Certain tactics have to be employed. It's an ongoing war game. It became clear that my love life was lacking when I began to have fantasies about the dorky kids' show host on the tape he was always asking me to rewind or find when he was younger.

It doesn't matter how quiet I am, if he's sound asleep, or across the street at a friend's house. The moment I give into desire, the child appears from thin air. What kind of black magic is this?