Rise of the Centipedes

The Sun will rise soon on the False and the Fair. Townes Van Zandt

I writhed and grunted. Sweat began pouring out of my forehead. It must have sounded heinous to the folks in the next room, but I had no choice. I could either wrestle the bastards up front or spend the rest of the day letting them take little chunks of me back to Hell.

So there I was, sitting on the crapper with my pants around my ankles and performing the daily exorcism of some truly vicious excretory demons. My bowels were in a knot, and there was little hope at all of doing this thing quickly when I heard that familiar scuttle--like bottle caps scraping against a hardwood floor.

Sure enough, a centipede shot underneath the door and lit upon the white wall directly across from my face, close enough that I could see the sadistic smile curled over his little fangs.

"Out!" I screamed. "I don't have time for this shit right now!"

I took a half-hearted swing at him, but he ducked it easily and began laughing in the gravelly voice I have come to forever associate with his kind.

"Tsk. Tsk. You'd better not get too riled up, Mammoth. You wouldn't want to be tried for murdering someone with diplomatic immunity, would you?"

"What the fuck are you talking about? You're not in uniform."

The smile left his face momentarily, and he knew his cover was blown.

"Ha! You're not even an ambassador. You're nothing but a moss-sucking emissary. What's to stop me from smearing you all over the wall, huh? I wouldn't be breaking any treaties."

I cringed as he shuffled backwards a few steps. The very sight of the bugger was putting me off, and it was difficult to concentrate on anything but those yellow-black striped legs ticking against the tile. He didn't have to say anything. It was clear that he could see how afraid I was, and as I shifted uneasily on the toilet, he laughed again.

"Whatever you say. Just know that I could call down a strike right now, and you'd be swimming in us. We'd pick the skin right off your bones and feed it to the younglings."