Single and Lonely: Fear Factor

Living as a Single-n-Lonely man has earned you a stiff upper lip. In the average weekend you come across more dangerous activities than anything NBC can dream up for Fear Factor. For most people, watching Fear Factor is a rush but you find yourself bored halfway through the show. If you weren’t so terribly lonely, you might even turn off the TV and go for a walk. 

You watch the contestants eat hissing cockroaches and chuckle quietly to yourself, knowing that you could eat bugs like Wheaties after the body lice you picked up from LaFonda last summer. It’s hard to forget sandpapering your skin off. Next the contestants do a driving stunt and they are jumping Chevy Camaros off of buildings like Jimmy “Super Fly” Snuka from the top rope. The cars crash and burn but everyone escapes alive, leaving you disappointed. Please! Last weekend you did the same thing except you had a bottle of peach schnapps in each hand and half of the local police force riding on your bumper. Personally, you aren’t impressed with Fear Factor. 

Sure, the contestants on Fear Factor are in shape and attractive; congratulations to them. But let’s see if they can survive sleep deprivation for 60 hours while high on Crystal Meth and get to work on time Monday morning. You may spend Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday strung out with the thousand-yard-stare of a Viet Nam veteran, but at least you punched in.
I propose that a new reality show is needed for us Single-n-Lonely members of society. Not many things scare the Single-n-Lonely because we have nothing to lose. If we’ve went without sex long enough we are willing to risk everything for the tiniest portion of glory. Here’s the proposal for the new show:

The Prize: Without question, the prize on the Single-n-Lonely reality show needs to be a million dollars and a fine female, one hot enough to make the Average Joe sweethearts and the Bachelorette wonks look like common tramps.

The Contests: The contests would need to be shocking enough to make a police chase seem dull. Here’s a few ideas: