Single and Lonely: Prioritizing Fine Things, Limited Income, and Hoes

When Jay-Z came up with the line, “I got 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one,” he didn’t factor in the additional 99 problems that come with having a limited income. Sure, you’re a player all right, just on a different level than Jay-Z. He owns 10% of the New Jersey Nets; you paid ten dollars to join a Thursday night dart league. He has his own record company; you have thirty payments left on your rent-to-own TV. He dates Beyonce; you’d date Kirsty Allie if she said yes. It’s all relative, my Single-n-Lonely friend. 

After you move away from home and join the real world, you find out quickly that paying bills is like Chinese water torture and quickly drives you insane. The paycheck gets halved by the government and you don’t have the discretionary income that Jay-Z has. Obviously, you picked the wrong career. But you still want to have fine things, and even more so, your ho will want fine things. American women expect things that women in the third world haven’t even heard of. To a woman walking around with a pot on her head, a day spa means “Quicksand! Run for your life!” Things that American women take for granted would sound like time travel to the employees hunched over in a Bangladesh sweatshop or carving diamonds out of a DeBeers underground mine, but you were lucky enough to be born here in this great country and you have to play the game like every other man who wants a piece of ass. Remember, you’re terribly lonely.