Married and Bored: Drawn to the Lodestone Rock of Marriage

One morning, after the fact, you wake up and realize you’re married. There is no day after pill. You feel like it all happened so fast, like you weren’t even really there for the decision making. Right then her obese cat pukes up a hairball on your side of the bed. On one side of the bed are her three kids, one of which you fathered. On the other side of the bed you see the dog has just dragged its brown ass across the bedspread again. Hmm. 

This wasn’t supposed to happen to you, but now you are stunned. The possibility of getting married always stayed on the horizon for you, as in, when you turned 50 and she (who hadn’t even been born yet) graduated college. You are looking for an answer just like Darryl Strawberry’s rehab counselor. What happened? Believe it or not, nothing happened that you didn’t ask for. Or at least nothing happened that she didn’t plant in your head. She put a meme in your head, my man. 

A new science is emerging called memetics. Women have always known how to use these “memes” to their advantage. Memes are like genes, only in your brain. Memes are ideas that replicate from mind to mind. Since you never had the marriage ‘meme’ before you met her, it kind of makes you wonder how it got there. Undertstand something: she planted it there and it started to grow like a choking vine. She gave you plenty of water (sex) and food (malt liquor) to help it grow. The meme grew strong and took hold of you like a parasitic tapeworm, in control from the inside out. 

You found yourself in the mall looking at expensive jewelry. You bought a diamond even after you read the article that said buying diamonds supports modern slavery. That’s how powerful the marriage meme is, kind of like rabies. Kind of like a cataract, it gives you tunnel vision.