Colorado Springs Deemed "Too Conservative" by Jesus Christ

Colorado Springs - Colorado's second largest city was dealt a major blow today when none other than Jesus Christ announced that the city is "too conservative" for His tastes.

"Back in the day, me and the guys just wanted to hang out," said the Son of God. "We'd plant a few fish so we could eat organically, I'd change some water to wine, it was good times," said Christ. "Here, we can't do that. Everyone is so uptight here because of all the (religious groups calling the city home.)"

Christ pointed to a recent incident as proof of Colorado Springs' conservatism. "Me and my disciples walked into a downtown Starbucks to use the bathroom. We were told that the restrooms are for paying customers only. I ordered thirteen grande white chocolate mocha's, which I then turned into venti's. Yet other customers were hassling us, telling us to get haircuts and jobs. It wasn't cool, man, not cool at all. There were some seriously bad vibes those cats were laying down."

When asked why He was visiting a city He held in such disdain, Jesus was very candid. "I like the high altitude. I'm training for the Honolulu Marathon. Honolulu, man, now that's a city." Jesus says he and his crew also hang out in San Francisco's Haight-Asbury district, where they "can use a public restroom in peace."

Jesus also named San Diego a favorite city. "One night, well, let's just say that I turned a little too much water into wine, and my boys were like all 'go, Jesus, go! Go! Go! Go!' So I do my 'walk on water' thing out in the ocean. It was very peaceful. In Colorado Springs, they gave me a ticket and told me to stay out of the fountain. It was a fountain, for MY sakes."

They mean well here, but, remember that old adage about the road to hell," warned the Messiah. "They just need to lighten up a bit, man. That's all I'm saying, after all, Boulder isn't that far away. You can plant some good fish in Boulder, man. Organic living is everything." Jesus was then ticketed for jaywalking, a fine that He intends not to pay.