Brangelina Finally Gives Birth: Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt Vs. Suri Cruise

A battle to the death between the female offspring of Tomkat and Brangelina is completely inevitable. Tomkat is of course Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes and Brangelina is Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. They're daughters are Suri and Shiloh, respectively, and they hold the key to the future of humanity.

I can't tell you exactly why the offspring of Brangelina and Tomkat need to battle to the death; this is information that you just need to GET on your own. I can tell you about the symbolic nature of the fight, when it will be and the strengths and weaknesses of both combatants. Are you ready?

The greater significance of this conflict is a bit abstract, so bare with me. Suri vs. Shiloh is actually a war between the science fiction nature of Scientology and the agnostic qualities of vague Christian spirituality (which in an even broader sense is a fight between the mystics and humankind). I won't get into the details of either side's religion (or lack of religion). It would take to long and it's not really important. All you need to know is that Scientology is mostly stupid (so stupid it might be totally ingenious) and that the broad do-gooder spirituality of Angelina Jolie (which has also infected Brad Pitt) is usually pretentious and not spiritual at all.

However, one of these trains of thoughts has to survive the collision that is Suri vs. Shiloh. Let me run down the strengths and weaknesses of both.

Shiloh Strengths

-The soul sucking lips of her mother, Angelina Jolie: In the future these gigantic lips will morph into actual, bona fide soul suckers. She will attempt to suck the soul (read: internal energy) of her enemies.

-The ability to grow long hair and a scary beard like her father, Brad Pitt: Like he did in so many movies (12 Monkeys was my favorite), Pitt has the uncanny ability to spontaneously grow an extraordinary amount of body, facial and head hair; he will pass this trait to his daughter Shiloh, making her quite excellent at the art of espionage and sneak attacks.

Suri Strengths