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How to Survive When Your Boyfriend is in a Band

By Sharie, published Sep 10, 2007

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Hi! My name is Sharon and my Boyfriend is in a band. We met 2 years ago at a local bar and have been in love ever since. When I met Matt, he was totally in to music, but wasn't in a band. When I say he was totally into music, I mean he is the most talented musician I have ever met. He can play Guitar, Bass, Drums and Piano.

A couple of weeks after we met, the hosts of a local open jam invited him to join their band. He accepted and has been playing with them ever since. I was left to deal with the insecurities and difficulties that being a musician's girlfriend bring along.

In the last 2 years, I have learned a great deal about dealing with these feelings. I hope the tips below will help you if you are dealing with the same issues.

1. Be Yourself
Don't change who you are to be who you think your boyfriend wants you to be. If you are feminine, keep dressing girlie, don't totally change your style to impress him. If you want to wear a rock t-shirt, that is okay, but don't totally overhaul your life to impress him.

2. Find Your Own Talents
All eyes will be on him most of the time. Find something that makes you feel good, like working out, scrap-booking, cooking, sports, etc. These things will give you time for yourself and make you feel accomplished.

3. Support Him
Show him that you are proud of his accomplishments. Support him by attending some (not all) of his shows.

4. Learn About His Style
Incorporate some of his music into your collection. You will have a deeper appreciation for him and will enjoy listening to his music. Ask him to listen to some of your music as well.

5. Don't Be Jealous
I know it's hard sometimes, because it feels like the band comes first. Don't become jealous and mad when he is doing something he loves. If you really love someone, you will support them, not hinder their talents.

6. Trust Him
Trust that he loves you and will not do anything to hurt you when he is out with the band. Be secure about yourself. I guy is more likely to cheat on an insecure, jealous girlfriend than a secure, happy one.

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bitter

What worries me about my future with my boyfriend is that we will always have to live in the city where his bandmates are. Its like my relationship isn't between my boyfriend and I, its also got 3 other members involved! What if I need to move to a new city for a job? Doesn't matter - what matters is where the band is. ugh. It also doesn't help that I don't get along with the band at all - they're very juvenile (and all single-and one's an attractive girl!), and I feel like they have a negative effect on my boyfriend. I'm about to give up on the idea that there will ever be a time for just "us".

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Posted on 11/14/2008 at 5:11:58 PM

lexi

I live with my bf and his band mates, so when he leaves, I am left completely alone. I am still new to this city, and more lonely than I have ever been in my life. Distractions (piano lessons, cooking, school, work) only make things worse because they are all things I used to do with him... I feel like number 2, and I feel like Im wasting my time always waiting for him to come home (or leave again)... its just so hard to tell if this boyish fantasy is going to pay off in the end. Why couldnt I have fallen for someone whose life ambition doesnt take him far away from me? I completely trust him. But he is always jealous of where I am, and who I am with. Which hurts even more.

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Posted on 10/27/2008 at 7:10:32 PM

I've been with my boyfriend for 8 yrs. A few yrs ago he left his full time job to work part time and to play in his band part time. After a few months in the band, i found out that he had sex with a young hot girl at one of his shows (I saw her picture on myspace). I've been in love and supportive of my man for 8 yrs now and at one show all my dreams crumbled when this girl, according to him, grabbed his hand, led him to her room and screwed his brains out. I found out a few weeks after when he said I should get checked for std's. I wanted to work on our relationship and he said he wanted to be with me only after learning the girl prostitutes herself to pay for college and has herpes. However, he continued to see the girl as she lives with his bandmate. It's clear that his band is more important b/c he actually tried to smooth things over with this girl and invited her to shows b/c he didn't want to make things uncomfortable for her when he practiced w/ his band. I had to ask him to st

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Posted on 10/06/2008 at 6:10:56 PM

Nella

My boyfriends band is signed to a record label, a very big one, and he goes on world tours constantly. We met when I lived in another state, and it was like love at first sight. He got me to move out to his home state, took me on tour with him and the boys for a few weeks, and now im just doing my thing. He calls me when he can, before or after a set, while they are on the road, before I go to bed, whenever he can. I dont suffocate him, as I think that will just make him annoyed and I dont want to do that, because doing that can cause things like cheating to happen. The best thing you can do is trust, and be patient. Be supportive. And I also think it is a HUGEEEEEEEE deal to have a close relationship with the guys in the band, as well as the tour managers, and merch guys/girls. Dont get on their bad side.

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Posted on 09/28/2008 at 10:09:55 AM

Susie

Hell yes! There is only so much smiling through gritted teeth you can do. If I hear, "I can't let the guys down...," one more time I think I will explode with rage! Boys and their toys indeed! Being second best wears you out after 6 years of having a bf in a band. Good luck to you all...

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Posted on 09/05/2008 at 10:09:04 AM

Jackie

My boyfriend is also in a band. We have been together for 4 years now and only the last year and a half has he been in this band. We both had a deeply shared love for music and I knew how much it meant to him, but I just find it so unfair that we were together for 2 and a half years before this band came along and now he works 50 hours a week and plays 25-30 hours a week. I feel like I never see him. I feel like I am in direct competition with his band mate because when we do have our days together ( few and far between) his bandmate calls to talk about the band, what we are doing, and planning the next get together to practice. If I show any frustration, he gets pissed off. He tells me he knows it's hard on me, but truly I don't think he knows. I understand the comments listed below, but I think that most of what you're saying is giving up the things you want in life. I want marriage, kids, etc.... and it's not fair to you that you have to completly change your lifestyle for his needs

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Posted on 08/12/2008 at 10:08:58 AM

ms. gimme a break

Really? This has to be a joke. No woman I know who's man is in a band would agree with this dreck. Boy and their toys. Homoerotic playtime with the guys... Lesser men have died before coming up with the bs excuses I have heard come out of my boyfriends mouth in regards to his band practice and our home life.

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Posted on 07/28/2008 at 3:07:07 AM

Amarillo

Hi I have just recently split up with my musician boyfriend for all the reasons mentioned above, what can i say I turned from a confident outgoing woman into a complete wreck. Not only were his band mates rude to me it just pained me that they were more important than me and no matter how shit they were his commitments would always be with them. I was crazy about him and put alot of my dreams on hold to be with him-he couldn't do the same, not one future plan could he give me it all revolved around his band. I am so glad to be rid of him but i am deeply hurt by the whole situation. The whole scene revolves around parties and drugs and is very fake it was very unhealthy for me. My cynical advice is not to date a musician.

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Posted on 07/15/2008 at 2:07:11 PM

Emma

(continued again . . . ) I've found that saying "i miss you" all the time only makes my boyfriend feel guilt for doing what he loves. So when he calls or texts just be happy that you're talking with him and don't waste your time worrying about how much you miss him. Just say it lightly before you hang up the phone. Again, this will give you a more positive reaction from him because you will be independent and strong in his eyes . . . which is very attractive to men and will make you feel better about yourself! 4) Remember that no matter HOW MUCH your boyfriend loves what he does . . . spending weeks with a bunch of guys in a van can get tiring . . . which will make your welcoming arms even better for him when he gets home! So in conclusion . . . if he is worth the struggle to you and loves you, treats you right, and makes you happier than anyone else . . . be as wonderful while he is gone as when he is home and he will love you and appreciate you for it. We can do it ladies! x

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Posted on 07/09/2008 at 3:07:24 PM

Emma

( continued from below . . . ) but even knowing that things will be great when he returns doesn't always keep me happy while he is away. I never worry about him cheating but it does get irritating to me when girls are into him (which happens often... and for good reason hes amazing!). I still have so much to learn but since his band has gone on a handful of tours now I have found some things that work for me. 1) I try to act excited and supportive even if i don't feel it. This gives you a better reaction from him and puts less strain on the relationship. (which gives me one less thing to stress about!) 2) Often when hes gone i change something little about myself. Last time I cut my hair but didnt tell him what I had done so he was so excited to come home and see. Other times I have redecorated my room. This is good because it gives you something to focus on and something for him to look forward to when he returns! 3) dont overwhelm him with sad feelings of missing him.

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Posted on 07/09/2008 at 3:07:09 PM

Emma

oh how i've tried all of these things but it is just so hard! For me it completely depends on the day. . . if I'm feeling great about myself and confident in our relationship then I'm like go on tour for as long as you like and do what ever you need to do! but then there's days where I just feel like i can't deal. Salena . . . I know what you mean about the competing for time thing. I've felt that way so many times but I just try to realize that this is what he views as his JOB. It just has a lot of hours.. I've found that when I do nice things for the band it helps when hes gone. I've baked them cookies to take with them in the van before and bought them a bunch of snacks. I also want to try having a pizza delivered to their hotel room sometime as a surprise. Doing nice things like this for them makes me feel appreciated and better about myself and the situation. Noel - whenever my boyfriend returns from tour we are closer than ever. It makes it totally worth it but e

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Posted on 07/09/2008 at 3:07:50 PM

The tour thing is hard. 5 weeks is nothing, wait until its 11. My boyfriend is my best friend, I spend every day with him. Its hard, but you just have to make sure your life is going on with out him here. Not only will that make him respect you more because it proves your independence but it makes the time go bu quickly too! Thats why you need to make sure you keep a separate life from just him. There is always bonding with the other bandmates girlfriends as well, it helps to be around people who understand what you are going through. Visit him if you can, surprise him in a city a few hours away when he doesnt know your coming, but dont expect him to be able to spend much time with you.. he does have a job to do, but he'll love the few minutes and the surprise kiss. It gets easier. and as long as you follow the tips above AND TRUST HIM!!!, it will be amazing when he returns. remember: absence makes the heart grow fonder.

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Posted on 07/03/2008 at 1:07:43 AM

fairywings

Hello! My boyfriend's in a band too and I totally understand where all of you are coming from. I think all of those tips are good and well but a relationship is about give and take. Trust him if he proves he can be trustworthy. Support him if he supports you in return. Let him have his time doing his thing if he can relish his free time with you (and make the free time). Overall, every relationship is individual and it's up to you whether you think it's worth trying for. But being a girllfriend to someone with such commitments can be very tough and I think we need to be appreciated for it girlies! xxx

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Posted on 06/10/2008 at 5:06:55 PM

Noel

My boyfriend of almost 4 years in on his first tour right now and it's a long one - 5 weeks. We've never been apart from each other for more than a few days and knowing I still have just over a month until I see him is so hard. He's called me every night and emails me, but he's really upset by the distance too. When your boyfriend comes back from tour is your relationship stronger from having been apart and made it through?

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Posted on 05/03/2008 at 10:05:58 AM

salena

my boyfriend is in a band and what do you do when you feel like you have to compete with his band for his time. Its like work all day, and jam, when do i come in? 10pm at night. i am so annoyed and he tells me that its just what he has to do. but i cant stand it anymore. i love him but i cant be number 2.

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