Handling the Holidays as a Step-Parent: Competing with Memories

A woman's first holiday season in a blended family brings emotions more varied than the ornaments on her tree.

The optimist in her will look for ways to bring everyone together. As she listens to yet another story of the way things used to be done in the pre-divorce era, she longs to bring some rituals of her own into the mix. When a woman is the only one in her new family who has not been a participant in past holiday memories, she wants to leave her mark.

There is nothing wrong with this - in and of itself. A woman in the role of 'Lady of the House' certainly has a right to oversee the planning of holiday events. Yet as much as she longs to create a new sense of family tradition in her new home, the 'second wife' must be very careful not to miss a critical thing.

During holidays in newly blended families, children have a particularly strong need to belong. A woman's children - step or not - must be included in the process in some capacity. True, they are children and she is the adult. But it is also a mother's responsibility - step or not - to see that the needs of each member of the household are met.

From a woman's point of view, step-children have had the unfair advantage of being there before her for Christmases past. But from the children's view, they are now unsure of their place in all of the holiday plans. They do not want past traditions cast aside, because they had a role in them. In a sense, those traditions have become a part of their identity. And a step-mom must be very careful not to casually throw them away.

Although it is impractical to keep all past traditions, peace and joy are attainable holiday goals for the woman in a blended family. But before she hangs that first decoration, she must convey her concern for the feelings of her step-children.