Caring for an Aging Parent - When the Child Becomes the Parent

When my dad died unexpectedly, I found myself as the primary caregiver for my aging, very ill mother. My father had retired to take care of her, and it was a full time job. After his death, I panicked, because I thought that it was now my responsibility to keep her alive and well. She is an insulin dependent diabetic, with many other health problems. Her blood sugar goes low unexpectedly, causing her to become temporarily disoriented. Her desire was to live independently for as long as possible, in their house, where they had shared so many wonderful memories. Even though I was very frightened for her to remain there, I understood her wishes and respected them. At first, I would stay awake all night worrying about her, and during the day, I would call constantly. My nervous system was overstressed, and it seemed like I was always in a panic mode. During my father's illness, I sought the help of a counselor in order to cope with the stress. After his death, I needed her help even more. I guess the greatest lesson I learned during this time, was that I could not give my mom immortality (even though I wish I could.) Also, I could not be there with her 24/7, and even if she lived with me, I would still have to make trips to the grocery store, doctor, etc., and would have to leave her alone for some period of time. I finally had to come to terms with the fact that I needed to calm down, and approach this situation from a different angle, to prevent myself from getting ill.

One of the first things we did was to put a phone calling system in place. My mother calls me when she gets up in the morning, and when she is settled in bed at night. These calls can go to the message machine if I am still sleeping, or out somewhere. But I check often to see that she has called. At least with the phone policy in place, I am sure that she made it through the night, and I am also aware when she is safely in bed.