Parents of Preteens: Unbelievably Uncool

If you have preteen children, join the club. Here's all you have to do. Repeat after me: "I'm not cool." We're all in this hyperkinetic stage together, and it's better to just face it directly.

Maybe you're like me. I thought I was a pretty hip mama, but I'm really just uncool. Once I recognized this, I discovered nine vital truths. Maybe you can identify with these.

If you're like me, you are just out of style!

Our clothes are frumpy; our hair is dumpy, and our shoes are out of style. Our jeans come up too high at the waist, and they are too narrow at the ankles. Our shirts are too loose, and we usually don't layer three or four of them at one time.

If you're like me, you are out of sync!

Our music is too soft and low. (Gee, our parents thought our music was too loud!). To make matters worse, we listen to CDs, cassettes or (worse yet!) vinyl records. And we aggravate everyone under 20 when we pump our music through stereo speakers, instead of directly into our ears.

If you're like me, you are nosy!

We hang around in the kitchen or family room, while our preteens' friends are visiting. We ask our preteens where they are going, when they want to leave the house. We inquire about where they have been, when they return. We still want to know if they have eaten, as well as what they ate.

Worst of all, we have the nerve to ask them, "How was your day?"

If you're like me, you are unreasonable and mean.

We insist that homework and household chores be completed before the electronic entertainment systems are switched on. We demand that pets be fed, beds be made, and clean laundry be put away. We threaten to confiscate cell phones, MP3 players, video games, and other goodies, on a whim (such as for sassy talk, direct defiance, and unsatisfactory academic grades).

Preadolescents will label this as surliness. Of course, this makes us the worst parents in the world.

If you're like me, you are just plain paranoid!