Highlights, Observations on Britney Spears, MTV Video Music Awards

It's been years since I tuned in to the Video Music Awards on purpose, partly because I guess priorities changes as you age, mostly because they air it for a week after it happens. But since they made a point to mention it would be on for "one night, and only one night," I thought I would tune in. I might as well try to be one of the first to report what will inevitably be first page news, which is sad. So...minutes ago Britney Spears opened the Video Music Awards. Um...wow.

First of all, she was wearing this glittery bikini top with shorts, and she kind of looked like me in a bikini top and shorts. Which isn't bad, I'm not fat. But I'm not on TV. And on TV, anyone from reality is fat. So why isn't she dressed? A marriage, divorce, and two kids, everyone would understand. Unfortunately this is the least puzzling part of the performance.

The most puzzling part is the performance itself. Um, why did she suck? It was bordering painful, but mostly embarrassing. Her razor sharp moves were butter knife at best. Her icy hot glances just lukewarm. Part of me was rooting for Britney. Troublemaker she was but she was undeniably talented and that was the source of vexation. How can we peaceably separate the Siamese slutty/rock star Britney? Now this problem had been solved but not favorably. Sadly one of them died and slutty Britney remains. And a slut by herself is decidedly unspecial. There's gotta be some duality, some intrigue. Her performance looked like it was from someone who watched Britney a lot and went on the Tyra show to be trained for 52 minutes by one of Britney's choreographers and learn a routine she was to perform at the end of the show. Only in this scenario would her performance have been impressive. She was sloppy, which is what made it embarrassing. What kept it from being painful was that she didn't really seem to care how she did, so we didn't care either.

Other potentially uncomfortable issues observed: Timbaland's hot dog pack in the back of his head.

50 Cent pairing up with Justin Timberlake on a song, apparently from the long-awaited, long-postponed re-release of 50's follow-up.