It is Okay to Deal with Grief in Your Own Way

The week following the death of my son, I stopped crying in front of people and bottled up inside of my own shell. I still cried at night and I still had the memories that came along with not knowing what was going to happen next. For the most part, I found myself in his room late at night crying by myself and holding onto his Spongebob pillow.

I heard people from across the room saying to one another that it was strange that I stopped crying but what they didn't know was that I had stopped crying in front of them and built a lot of anger around this so called wall of grief. I was angry, I am still angry. Why don't I cry in front of them? Can I not make myself? I am a women and this is what women do, we are suppose to cry or at least that is what the world tells us. Men on the other hand, are the ones who are suppose to hide their tears from the world, they are the ones who are suppose to hold all the anger. This is where I learned that no two people are alike and nobody shows their grief in the same way.

Grief isn't something that we are taught, it is something that we learn on our own time. People show grief in different ways but it does not mean that you don't care. I hear a lot of people telling me how strong I am and that if they were in my shoes that they would be a train wreck. How would they really know until they are in your shoes? They really wouldn't.

My husband and I are opposite when it comes to dealing with our grief. He shows his grief on the outside and many people don't like to go around him for fear that they might say something that will remind him of our son. What they don't understand is that we need to hear his name out loud and we want to know about the memories that each person had with him. I, on the other hand, have built a wall around my heart to shield it from the pain that I have felt. I still say his name out loud just so that I can hear it once again. I have become angry at the world but I don't know who to really place my anger on.