Ma'am Would You Please Get Your BUTT Outta My Face!

I do not -- as a rule -- write about people's hind quarters. I think I said all I have to say on the subject in the article I wrote regarding my own ("My Sagging Butt and Yours Too", May 2007 ). But as I reflect back on my recently-wrapped summer vacation, I must admit that there seemed to be a whole lotta rear ends on display at the beach, with more than a few in close proximity to my face.

I don't what it is exactly, but there is something liberating about the being at the beach and feeling the sun on your back, the sea breeze in your face and the sound of the waves in your ears. It's this very liberating effect that makes it easy for me to understand the attraction of nude beaches (of which there are quite a few in Italy). Thing is, my family and I didn't spend the summer at a nude beach. We spent the summer at (at least by Italian standards) a "regular beach." Now granted there's probably a fine line between what is and isn't being worn at the beach these days, but I kinda wish that Speedo or some of the other name brands of beach wear would put a "viewer advisory" on their beach attire. Because really, is there any sane reason for someone whose stomach is hanging down past their waistline to wear what amounts to nothing more than a g-string? Is there really a need for me to be subjected to a thong-wrapped butt that looks like it's fuel injected with cottage cheese?

Of course not. But you know what? It's a public beach and if you want to walk around looking like a kielbasa sausage in a cheese cloth, then I say "Go for it!" To quote Bikiniscience.com, I recognize and agree that "any woman may wear a bikini and that all people are beautiful." But for cryin' out loud what you please get that ass of yours -- you know, the one that looks like a glob of mozzarella cheese on steroids -- out of my face!