Religious Jokes: Heaven's Gates Multi-church Multi-denominational Hotline

Thank you for calling “Heaven’s Gates” – your multi-church, multi-denominational hotline.

If you are a Methodist, please press "1" and your call will be transferred to the nearest potluck.

Catholics, please go to the altar and have the priest press "2" for you.

If you are Pentecostal, press "3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-Hallelujah!" and throw the phone onto the ground

Presbyterians, please form a committee. If there’s a quorum present and a 2/3 majority vote in favor of the motion, please press 4.

Lutherans, please press whatever number you wish, because, after all, you are the ONLY ones who use this line.

For the Amish, please walk to the nearest Mennonite and have them press "5".

Jehovah's Witnesses, please consult the secondary manual then press "5-6-6-2-5" – or “K-N-O-C-K” before 9pm.

If you are Jewish, and it is not a holiday, please press "7"

If you are Jewish, and it is a holiday, please hold the line until after sundown,

If you are a Messianic Jew, please tell the previous two entries that they should press "8" instead.

For all Calvinists, please do not press anything. If you were meant to be connected it will happen.

If you are a Mason – (whispering) press the secret number.

For the Brethren, hang up the phone, sell your possessions, and go and tell others to call.

If you are a Christian Scientist, simply pray and the correct button will press itself.

Seventh-Day Adventists should press the number mentioned three hours ago.

If you are non-denominational, just press whatever you feel like. It all leads to the same place anyway.

As a new addition, we have included special lines for ministers.

If you are a pastor, in closing, verily I say unto you that thou shouldst pressest two keys. And yes, I shall speak unto thee and tell thee what keys thou shouldst press. So to close, pressing the "9" button should bring unto thee great joy in seeing the work completed (10 minutes later) ... In closing, after the "9" button, thou shouldst also press "1".